Sweet, sweet baby

I'm so sad and happy and thankful and joyful and scared all at the same time. My sweet, sweet baby has turned one. It feels like yesterday that I was writhing in pain and Matt was asking if he just had time to eat the Rotel he had heated up. If I could have said anything it would have been NO...NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

And it was like yesterday that you were born and I saw your daddy cry.

And I think it was yesterday that I would jump out of bed at 2:00 in the morning so excited to spend more time with you.

And I would cry while feeding you because your new CD player not only plays music and shows the time, but it also shows the date. I watched that date click away day after day and become petrified that I had not burned into my memory every aspect of you. That you had changed in some way and I had missed it.

And it seems like yesterday that you smiled at me and rolled over and babbled and I had to go back to work and trust someone else to care for you in my absence. And you laughed and you crawled and you belly laughed and you threw your whole dinner on the floor and laughed REALLY hard when I told you no (ok, that actually was yesterday).

Everyone told me that time would go by so fast and I never had a doubt that wasn't true. I was, and still am, ultra aware of it and it kills me. I know that working is the right thing for me and our family but it just plain sucks sometimes.

I'm not sure what we did to deserve you but it must have been really, really good. If they had a Best Baby award, you would so walk away with that trophy. Not only do I love you with this love I didn't know I was capable of, but I really like you. I like you because whenever I'm easvesdropping on you, you are cracking up at whatever it is your saying. You're kind of like a puppy who is always so excited to see me. You have this playful sense of humor that I was amazed to see at such a young age. You give lots of unsolicited kisses and until last week in the dressing room of Nordstrom's, you knew no stranger. You love a party. You play well with others. Lola and Gunner are becoming your best friends - they make you laugh but already you let them know when you've had enough. You like THE PRETTY (aka jewelry), but you've also developed a fondness for the mounted deer heads in your daddy's office - I will continue to support this behavior for you, and for him. And, I'll be honest, one of your most endearing features is you hardly ever cry. We know something is wrong if you're crying and I thank God daily that the worst thing you've gone through is growing some teeth. You're a rockstar my little Bug. I LOVE YOU.

So, sad - that time goes by so quickly.
Happy and joyful that you are happy and joyful.
Thankful - EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.
And scared. Or fearful. That one day it may all change. Which brings me back to thankful. I'm thankful for my faith and for the woman who told me "If you're walking in fear then you're not walking in faith." Oh, how many times I've said that to myself to get me straight again...

Pictures coming soon....